Lisa's thought for the week - How do you love?

How do you love?

 by Lisa Barlow

I’ve been observing and taking notes these past few years and I think I may have some observations that could help in understanding some of our most intimate relationships. I’ve noticed how most people ‘give’ that which they find most easy to give, me included.  Makes sense really doesn’t it? But I’ve also noticed this sometimes doesn’t mean much to the recipient if the person you’re ‘giving’ to doesn’t value the same thing, if their love map is different from yours (and this is quite possible considering we’re unique human beings. We know that love is an energy, not a thing, however it does become physically manifest by what we say and do in the world and with the people we choose to have in our lives. How you show love, how you give and receive affection says something about YOU, about YOUR map of the world. It does not tell me how someone else likes to be loved. ‘You’ve got to show me love’ sang Robin S, but what that looks like to me could be something completely different to you. Love me how I like to be loved. Tall order isn’t it? We all love differently. Can I still honour the soul in you even if we’re so very different? Can we make intimacy work? I believe we can if we want to. ‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood’ wrote Stephen Covey in ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’.

                                                               

      

When was the last time you communicated to your nearest and dearest what you needed from them in the ‘love’ stakes? It takes emotional courage for they may choose not to meet your love need, and that’s OK, they’re entitled. This is usually the point at which your being ‘in relationship’ is questioned. Do we care enough about another’s love map to want to love them how they wish to be loved? Maybe we do or maybe we don’t. Sadly, in my previous life as a Connexions Personal Adviser I worked with many an individual whose experience of relationships was far from ’loving’. In their worlds they and others would get their own needs met at any cost to another individual; physically, financially or emotionally and would title this ‘love’. Violence and abuse (in any form) is NOT love, regardless of how many times this word leaves the mouth of the individual saying it. In order for these destructive patterns to be broken, professional guidance may need to be sought.

For those who haven’t been subjected to such dysfunction throughout childhood but have never had any lessons in love either it’s worth considering the following questions:

•      Can you love another how they LIKE to be loved?
• Do you only love in the way you have been conditioned to love?
• Do you try to get them to WANT to be loved HOW you love?

Some thinkers would say that the most important thing in life is to ‘give love’, and I also believe that understanding is a part of that love. All love starts with us so the relationship we have with ourselves is vitally important as this radiates out to others. Relationships are complex because human beings are complex; however, open communication helps to simplify them.  Maybe this is why we like dogs; they are simpler in the love stakes and less judgemental!

Challenge: Do you know HOW you love or how you prefer to be loved? Just notice.... x 

Lisa Barlow is Bare Health's resident Personal development Coach. If you would like to speak to her or make an appointment for a consultation please call Bare Health on 01260 408413.

The Benefits of Mindfulness

The Benefits of Mindfulness

By Lisa Barlow

Mindfulness is defined by some as being attentive and aware, non-judgmentally.  For me it is about absorbing yourself fully in the present moment with all your senses. It’s about paying attention, giving full attention to the here and now. This means neither worrying about the future nor playing over and over mental tapes from the past. Having come from a place where this kind of thinking was the norm I find concentrating on my breathing, the basic inhale and exhale helps me to get into a more relaxed, mindful state.  Accepted, it is easier to do when you are not in a stressful situation and are alone so it’s perhaps best to practice first where you won’t be disturbed. Breathing deep into the belly also helps. Lying on your back, place your hand gently on your belly and feel your stomach move out with the inhale and in with the exhale.  Try and breathe through your nose only.  Yoga and meditation groups can help you with this if you are struggling.

Becoming more mindful helps us to start exploring our thoughts in more detail and uncover unconscious tapes we play over and over.  Some are helpful for our lives, some aren’t.  It’s up to us to uncover them and then decide whether they are still fit for purpose and useful for our lives as they stand today. 

Often, we have developed strategies and responses that may have helped us as a child or young adult but could be causing us problems now! Before we respond to triggers (what people say or do, or situations that remind us of things from the past) it is helpful to become mindful of our thoughts to the trigger before responding with words and actions. 

Through understanding and clarity of our own minds we can start to have more compassion with ourselves and others.  Whatever comes from another person is their stuff, as our stuff is ours.We’re just trying to interact with each other the best way we can, bearing in mind we will all have different perceptions on the ‘truth’ based on what we have heard or seen.  Communication is complex!!  

Becoming aware of the words you use in your conversations, the intent behind them (your hidden motivations, if any), the tone you use and the body language you display can help to avoid misunderstandings that can lead to arguments and conflict. Becoming more mindful of thoughts, words and actions requires effort but I know from personal experience that all your relationships will benefit from some self exploration and taking the time to SLOW DOWN.  Please take the time to truly smell the roses, this time will come just once, experience it fully. I have learned that our inner worlds can be whatever we want them to be, regardless of what is going on around us.

Reading I have found useful relating to this topic:

Anthony De Mello – Awareness

The Dance – Oriah Mountain Dreamer (Useful meditation practices)

The Art of Happiness – The Dalai Lama

Happiness: A Guide to developing life’s most important skill – Matthieu Ricard

Joyful Wisdom – Sogyal Rinpoche

Mindful Manifesto:  How doing less and noticing more can help us thrive in a stressed-out world - Dr Jonty Heaversedge, Ed Halliwell

Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle

The Tibetan Art of Serenity – Christopher Hansard

For more information on Mindfulness and how you can incorporate it into your daily lives contact Lisa Barlow, Bare Health Personal Development Coach on 01260 408413