To Change a Life

'To Change a Life'

by Lisa Barlow

Bare Health Personal Development Coach 

Sometimes we become overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, this beautiful thing we call life. Any event can rock our worlds, sending us emotionally off balance or even rocketing towards out of space. Well since I’ve been in out of space (emotionally speaking) I’d like to share some of the more cosmic lessons I’ve learned on my expedition.

I’ve been practicing mindfulness meditation now for a while and this practice of watching our thoughts come and go without judgement has proved an interesting time for me. For those of you who know me I’m fast. Fast thinking, fast talking, fast doing, just.....fast. My mind is, well.....busy. But it’s quietened down lately. I’ve consciously slowed down these past few years (almost stopped to be honest) and took time off the hamster wheel to take a good old look at my life. Some people believe that when we die we all get a ‘life review’, well I’ve done one now, before I die. It’s been painful, yet enlightening. I believe I’ve been handed this time out as a gift from the Universe and to be honest it doesn’t matter whether this is ‘the truth’, it’s my belief and I’ve learned we pretty much live out our beliefs and thus create our reality. Powerful stuff our minds!

I’ve had the opportunity to meet some amazing people who have opened my mind to new possibilities, I’ve read extensively in the areas of spirituality, philosophy and psychology. I’ve become my own experiment, it’s the most important course of study I believe I could have chosen to have enrolled on. I’ve faced things in the mirror that I really didn’t want to see. I’ve seen things in others that I would have preferred not to have seen. I’ve learned that a lesson can NOT be taught from the outside and our most important life lessons ARE the ones we learn for ourselves. Through relationship with ourselves and others we learn everything we need to learn about the most important things in life. I now know that I know nothing. Quite a liberating moment I feel. I believe we are the only people who know what we were sent here to do. It’s important to ask the right questions in life, not necessarily having the right answers as these are often relative and dependent on perception.

So, I’ve been thinking about my life and how I could gain a sense of control again after many things had happened which were most definitely outside of my control. I started back at the beginning. Who am I? What do I stand for? What are the values I wish to live by on a daily basis? I’ve learned that we go against ourselves and give our power away when we react to other people’s values. We’re like leaves that get blown around by the wind in the autumn time. Our values form the foundation of our inner lives. When we think, speak or behave in a way that goes against what we ‘believe’ our values to be it creates tension and anxiety. We can make all sorts of excuses and justifications for doing what we do and this will pacify our minds for a short while but it will not pacify our souls, the inner core of who we are. You may not even believe we have a soul, that we’re just mind and body, that’s fine, maybe just be open to the possibility.

I’ve learned that how I re-affirm myself in my thoughts matters.....alot. I’ve become aware of and changed some unhelpful, habitual thought patterns. I’ve done it, so can you too if you think it could improve your life, but you must slow down in order to become aware of them in the first place. Some people just push your buttons, touch your edges, however you want to describe it, they just wind you up and annoy the hell out of you. You know who and what I’m talking about, it happens most days. Our feelings are a wonderful sat nav to the places that need healing in us most. What I mean by this is when somebody does or says something that ‘touches our edges’ we respond, or should I more accurately say, react, with negativity, aggression or general defensiveness. A button has been pushed. Now I used to think that this was a fault of the other person, that whatever they said or did was completely unacceptable and out of order, and sometimes it is. But I’ve also come to realise that there is a lesson and an opportunity for growth in this interaction should I choose to be open enough to listen to my feelings. Now some people enjoy pushing other people’s buttons, they enjoy the power they feel they have to elicit a reaction. But in reality they have NO POWER over you. 

You are the one who holds the power to GIVE PERMISSION or WITHHOLD PERMISSION to let whatever they say or do affect you negatively. Let this sink in because it has taken me lots and lots of practice to fully understand this. What they display is coming ‘from them’ it belongs to them. If someone gives you a gift but you refuse to accept it, who owns the gift? Same with emotional stuff. If someone is having a bad day and is choosing to take out their bad mood on you, it says more about THEM than it does you. YOUR response says something about you. You can choose to walk away from them if this becomes the most loving option, for YOURSELF.  

Who are you? Work out what your most important values are and commit to living these out on a daily basis and you will feel less anxious and more confident. Yes, it is likely you will feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve realised you’ve been living out someone else’s values for the past 40 years. You will change and your life will change. Some people will like this, some won’t and you will deal with this. 

 We just need to get better at recognising it when it comes our way, when our buttons have been pressed and knowing we have a CHOICE in our response. I read a book by Viktor Frankl called ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’,  its referenced in many a self help book. The learning I took from this is that there is a space between stimulus and response and it is in this space that we CHOOSE our destiny. We can make this space seem longer with practice. This is where mindful meditation can help. There are many helpful books and audios you can choose from on the internet so if you want to explore this in more detail choose something that resonates with you. 

Get used to trusting yourself. I’ve learned that WHO I am is more important that WHAT I do for a living and that I will always be enough wherever I go and whatever I end up doing.  I believe I can earn a living that is conducive to who I believe myself to be RIGHT NOW, as this is the only time we have. This is my life and it is my responsibility to live it fully.

I have discovered that real power lies in the choice of the chooser, not necessarily in the actions which follow. It is as powerful to respond with kindness and compassion as it is to respond with anger and aggression or passiveness. YOU CAN DO EITHER. And this is what I believe is necessary to deeply understand. When we become victims of other people’s emotions we lose ourselves. We can often feel our power being taken from us or that we have the power in the first place to MAKE another feel something or not. Our feelings are our feelings, they belong to us. I was raised to believe that I did have the power to affect someone else’s feelings, good or bad. I believe I can say and do things that are perceived as ‘more loving or ‘less loving’ but I now know I CANNOT make you feel, that is all you! 

If YOU believe yourself to be a ‘loving person’, what would a loving response be? I’ve learned that although I think I’m a loving person I don’t ALWAYS respond lovingly, but I’m getting better. Remember it usually depends on WHO is pushing those buttons. We are not robots controlled by remote control, we have a CHOICE.

However, I also believe everyone is probably doing the best they can based on the person they are and the knowledge they have available to them at the time.  Some people however are more open than others.

This next lesson is for those people who tend to ‘give’ of themselves to others either physically or emotionally.  Giving is good, let me just state that. Giving through choice is a wonderful gift for ourselves aswell as the recipient. Giving because you think you ‘should’ or through loyalty or any other guilt inducing reason is NOT helpful giving. The energy of something given in love is SO different than the energy of something given as a ‘should’ or ‘have to’. Its tainted. It’s best not to give than to give begrudgingly. So stop playing games. Give because you want to or don’t. It’s OK if you choose not to. I’ve learned that I’m not really that important in the grand scheme of things. That others will get their needs met in other places if I’m not here or available. We kid ourselves by thinking we’re indispensable, we matter, but we’re not indispensable. If you really don’t want to do something for someone, don’t. We live in a cause and effect Universe, yes there will be consequences but you will deal with them and you will survive, or you won’t. Either way I believe we give too much energy worrying about what ‘might’ happen if we put our own needs before others. 

Our fears are usually more scary than the actual reality.

As human beings I’ve learned we are mainly preoccupied with OUR OWN LIVES. Now, I have reason to believe that many people live their lives in accordance with ‘what other people think’. They could be significant others you know, like your parents, but I’ll repeat again that what I’ve learned is that most people are pre-occupied with their own lives. In other words if you decided to walk down the street completely naked on the school run, yes, you may be the talk of the neighbourhood for a few days, and yes, your children may NEVER forgive you (you could even get arrested) but it would be forgotten in most people’s memories in a relatively short time. As the saying goes ‘ Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind’. Be yourself, it will always be enough. Magical words that I haven’t truly understood nor lived until the past few years.

To live your potential. What does this mean? 

I’ve no idea what your ‘potential’ is like, you have no idea what mine is. We each hold our own answers on this one. We will all pass through this life, as us, just this once. Regardless of whether you believe in re-incarnation or not, whether you believe in an infinite soul that survives after the body dies. The truth of the matter is you will still ONLY pass this way, as you, ONCE.

Don’t get anxious by this, get excited!

 We are created as unique human beings and it is my belief we are created to explore our own uniqueness. So, with this in mind, who do you want to be and what do you want to do with your time here? When you start to really explore these questions you will find a way of making the answers physically manifest. I trust you. Do you trust yourself? You will be with yourself until the day you die, there are no guarantees that all the other human beings who are in your life today will be in it for the same duration. Learn to love yourself, to enjoy your own company, to be alone. We’re all on our own journey. Make peace with yourself. If there’s anything that needs to be forgiven, forgive. Start afresh, start today. Let today be the beginning of the rest of your life. Know that you count! That your being here on Earth, in this space and time is AS important as every other human being you come into contact with. 

Be grateful. Our responsibility starts with ourselves. When you improve the relationship you have with yourself, it will improve the relationships you have with everyone in your life ( unless you have lots of co-dependent relationships and it is possible you may need to seek professional help to recognise and break free from these types of relationships). As corny as it sounds it does start with a four letter word.....LOVE.

To love when there is no apparent reason to love has been my most difficult lesson. To continue to love when I have not liked the actions of a person has been a challenge. This is not my usual way of responding! It is through changing OUR response to whatever is coming our way which will break the cycle and the unhelpful patterns which have been passed on from generation to generation. But for this to happen you must truly SEE yourself. Awareness, awareness, awareness! You take your power back in any situation whereby you have CHOSEN how you respond. My Mum used to say ‘I don’t care who started it, just stop it!’ Now I used to think this was really unfair, especially when I believed I'd done nothing ‘wrong’. I get it now. I get it can stop with me. Pride often stops us doing the most loving thing but I’ve seen in my own life the transformative power of love to heal. You may need to send it from afar to protect yourself, you don’t need to be a ‘loving doormat’. Always remember love starts with yourself.

Accepted it is sometimes difficult to cope with negativity and toxicity when it comes in the disguise of family members. You were given these, you have not chosen them (although some thinkers believe we ALL chose our family members to help in our spiritual development). We all feel some sort of loyalty to our family, to our tribe. Let’s face it, we’re all trying to get our needs met in some sort of fashion. We look to others to meet our needs and if they can’t or choose not to, we get upset and disappointed. When we learn to let go of our attachments we can be truly content.

I used to think I knew all I needed to know to be a fully functioning adult and back then I probably did. Now I know I know pretty much nothing. I know that every single person I meet has something to teach me. I learn from everyone these days. Admittedly I sometimes learn how NOT to be but I do so more now with compassion and understanding rather than frustration. Frustration used to be a familiar companion of mine. I still get frustrated by closed mindedness and I still get angry and upset by the mistreatment of others but I’m more accepting of the way things ARE these days, not how I wished them to be, for this causes me unnecessary suffering. I will change all the things WITHIN my power which may help a situation and then, as with other things, I’ve learned to LET GO.

Ah, letting go, this brings me onto my most valuable lesson.... To let go...with love. I’m still letting go but I believe when we truly live this most valuable lesson, we are free. I’m not completely done yet but already the load feels lighter....The butterfly is preparing to leave the cocoon, I’m expecting great things and bucket loads of joy

. As a wise person once said ‘Know Thyself’ and I’d like to add........’then let go’.

From Lisa Barlow, with love x